Those of us who are tremendously overweight often cannot see ourselves as others do. For that matter, who does? I noticed when going through some old pictures that most of our photos are of other people...because I was the one taking the pictures. And when I wasin the picture, I was usually hidden behind someone else. It wasn't something I did intentionally, but points to a whole lot of similar behaviors that overwieght folks develop. I'm becoming aware of more of those as I lose weight.
It's as though some internal gate has opened through which previously unacceptable thoughts can now pass. One evening I was sitting watchig TV but was really just thinking about my weight and decided I needed a visual image. So I asked Linda to take a picture of me lounging back in my recliner. She took it with my phone, and now I carry it with me. It sorta keeps me honest because not only do I see a really fat guy, but I remember how it felt to try to get out of that chair. I was getting to the point where it actually took a lot of effort and time to get up from that chair.
Now I carry that picture with me...in my phone. I wanted to get it out and print it so I could see it in other places...but I don't seem to be able to email it from my phone...and don't have the special-to-this-phone USB cable to get it into the computer directly. But I have it. And see it in my brain.
In September I'll have Linda take another photo. It won't look thatdifferent, but...well, we'll see!
Thanks for the notes, folks! They really help!
Friday, July 24, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Wake-up Call
Well, I was a little disappointed. We went to see Linda's diabetes specialist Monday. While she was being processed she was weighed. I saw my chance to prove how much I had lost and stepped onto the digital scales. 385. I was anticipating seeing something like 370. After all, my pants are falling off, shirts sliding around one me. People remark at how much weight I must have lost, how good I am looking. I guess I set myself up for a fall.
However. When I started really thinking about it, I HAVE lost 35 pounds. When you are morbidly obese (a term I still find difficult to use), 35 pounds doesn't seem like much. I needed a new reference point. So, while Linda was leading a group at the Women's Crisis Center Monday night, I went to Wal-Mart.
I actually did not buy anything. I'm trying to get over the shopping-therapy thing. I went to the back of the store to the dairy section and stood in front of the butter display. I placed a pound of butter (four sticks in a box) in my cart. then another. And another. And another. Until I had 35 pounds of butter in my cart. I should have taken a picture with the camera, but I have it in my mind now--what 35 pounds of fat looks like. That's not so bad, to have lost THAT much!
I resisted the temptation to start sticking boxes of butter under my belt. I was aware of the security cameras in the ceiling. So I put all the butter back where it was. As I left I felt a little lighter in my step.
I've lost 35 pounds by basically doing nothing except drinking the Low-carb Slim Fast and eating a salad and some meat each evening. I figure that now is the time to start adding in exercise like walking to help keep me in ketosis and burn up some more.
I go back to Dr. David September 1st. I'm going to try to lose another 15 pounds by then. I know, maybe I'll lose 5 instead, but I'm going for the 15. I'll blog about the journey.
By the way, thanks to those who have written with support or posted supportive comments on this blog page. You enter my thoughts MANY times EACH DAY! You are helping. THANKS!
However. When I started really thinking about it, I HAVE lost 35 pounds. When you are morbidly obese (a term I still find difficult to use), 35 pounds doesn't seem like much. I needed a new reference point. So, while Linda was leading a group at the Women's Crisis Center Monday night, I went to Wal-Mart.
I actually did not buy anything. I'm trying to get over the shopping-therapy thing. I went to the back of the store to the dairy section and stood in front of the butter display. I placed a pound of butter (four sticks in a box) in my cart. then another. And another. And another. Until I had 35 pounds of butter in my cart. I should have taken a picture with the camera, but I have it in my mind now--what 35 pounds of fat looks like. That's not so bad, to have lost THAT much!
I resisted the temptation to start sticking boxes of butter under my belt. I was aware of the security cameras in the ceiling. So I put all the butter back where it was. As I left I felt a little lighter in my step.
I've lost 35 pounds by basically doing nothing except drinking the Low-carb Slim Fast and eating a salad and some meat each evening. I figure that now is the time to start adding in exercise like walking to help keep me in ketosis and burn up some more.
I go back to Dr. David September 1st. I'm going to try to lose another 15 pounds by then. I know, maybe I'll lose 5 instead, but I'm going for the 15. I'll blog about the journey.
By the way, thanks to those who have written with support or posted supportive comments on this blog page. You enter my thoughts MANY times EACH DAY! You are helping. THANKS!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Fattoids
It takes 15 calories per day to maintain one pound of weight. So, if I eat 1500 calories per day for, say, a really long time, I would weigh 100 pounds. I would also probably be sick as a goose (an odd turn of phrase).
To maintain my weight at 420 pounds I had to keep eating 6300 calories per day more than I was using.
The unfair thing is that it really takes more than 15 calories to burn up a pound of weight. I have to expend (burn) 3500 calories to lose a pound of fat. And burning the fat isn't automatic. The body has some strange rules about where and how much fat is used up.
It's all very confusing.
Nonetheless I am content, for the moment, to leave all the math to the experts and just keep plugging away at my food plan. I really have only had two days when I was uncomfortably hungry or shaky. I've learned not to ignore those signals, and not to give in to them. I just deal with them.
Of almost 2000 lap-band surgeries one surgeon in Little Rock performed, 2 people died, which is about the national average for major surgery mortality. Hmmmm. I don't want to be so special that I qualify for that one percent!
Monday evening I went to the hospital while Linda was conducting her class at the Women's Crisis Center. I walked the halls looking for a digital scale sitting out somewhere where I could sneak up and weigh myself. No luck. So I still don't know how I am doing. I do know that my belts are not doing me much good now--I need to get new holes punched in them to get them tighter. I suspect punching holes is less expensive than buying new belts. Oh well. More later.
To maintain my weight at 420 pounds I had to keep eating 6300 calories per day more than I was using.
The unfair thing is that it really takes more than 15 calories to burn up a pound of weight. I have to expend (burn) 3500 calories to lose a pound of fat. And burning the fat isn't automatic. The body has some strange rules about where and how much fat is used up.
It's all very confusing.
Nonetheless I am content, for the moment, to leave all the math to the experts and just keep plugging away at my food plan. I really have only had two days when I was uncomfortably hungry or shaky. I've learned not to ignore those signals, and not to give in to them. I just deal with them.
Of almost 2000 lap-band surgeries one surgeon in Little Rock performed, 2 people died, which is about the national average for major surgery mortality. Hmmmm. I don't want to be so special that I qualify for that one percent!
Monday evening I went to the hospital while Linda was conducting her class at the Women's Crisis Center. I walked the halls looking for a digital scale sitting out somewhere where I could sneak up and weigh myself. No luck. So I still don't know how I am doing. I do know that my belts are not doing me much good now--I need to get new holes punched in them to get them tighter. I suspect punching holes is less expensive than buying new belts. Oh well. More later.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Downsizing
I haven't posted in a while. I have to be "in the zone" and have something to say. At least that's what I tell myself when I start to feel guilty about not posting. But after all, whose blog is it anyway? (;>)###
Over the past couple of months I have begun to come to terms with my weight. I reached my all-time high weight and began a program to loose the extra pounds. For me to blog about this is amazing to me. I usually keep all such thoughts to myself. But I found myself listening to what I preach, that it good to get all those hidden things out into the light. So here we go.
My all-time high was 420 pounds. I know. But that's what the digital scales said at Dr. David's clinic. During that same exam he told me I needed to have a form of bariatric surgery called "lap-band surgery" where the surgeon places an adjustable plastic band around the very upper part of the stomach to form a small pouch, and a small opening into the rest of the stomach. The procedure works because (1) you can't eat very much when your stomach is about the size of two chicken McNuggets; (2) the nerves that release the hormone that tells the brain that you are full are at the top of the stomach and are triggered by small amounts of food in the now very small stomach pouch. You don't want to eat more.
That sounded promising. Then we learned that the cost of such surgery is from $16,000 to $20,000 and that it is specifically excluded from our health insurance plan. We can't afford it, and can't qualify for a loan for it. All facts.
So we are currently applying to the Conference Insurance Committee to give us a waiver and cover the surgery. Statistics prove that it will save them money in the long term since weight loss helps other systems have less stress, fewer break-downs, etc. A rising tide lifts all boats. We'll see if they have the courage to extend the coverage. Ideally, they would provide coverage for all persons in our group who have a problem with morbid obesity.
During that same exam, the doctor looked at my legs which were swollen all the way through my feet. Little toes plumping out from swollen stobs. It was getting more and more difficult to walk. "Venus insufficiency" is what he called it. The gastric surgery would help relieve pressure on my veins so that fluid can return to the heart in good order instead of pooling up in my extremities.
The next week I went to a podiatrist with Linda to see about a rather ugly tonail of hers. While there I noticed the posters up in the exam room...you know, the slick, detailed cutaway drawings of parts of the body? There were even photos there--of legs and feet like mine. I had never thought of myself as a poster child for morbid obesity. So, when we were through, I made an appointment for myself with the good foot doctor. When I came back he examined me and said I needed to have bariatric surgery. (Hmmm...do I sense a concensus coming on?)
He also said he wanted to send me to the Wound Center at the local hospital complex to have my leg wrapped. So I went, and they did, and for a week I wore tight bandages on my right calf and foot. When they were removed, there was my foot...looking like a foot, with toes, ankle, everything! The measured, told me how much fluid had been removed, what size leg I should have, and told me I needed to wear compression stockings on both legs to preserve them. So I am. The podiatrist also prescribed diabetic shoes for both of us. They aren't cheap. But my custom-made shoes are the most comfortable shoes I have ever had. And with my feet now more normal in size, they are also more normal in function. I find it easier to walk, stand for longer periods of time.
All this weighed on my mind quite a bit. When people are overweight, and especially when we are morbidly obese, we tend to zone out much of the world around us. We are not only surrounded by our own pads of fat, we develop barriers to criticism, anything unpleasant. We learn to satiate any unhappiness with comfort foods. We develop habits of denial that will preserve our addiction. (Undoubtedly there is much to mine here for future sermons and self-awareness)!
I quit eating snacks. The next appointment, Dr. David's scale showed that I had lost 17 pounds! I was now 403, and I really hadn't tried very hard to lose those pounds. While the doctor was pleased with that, he was frustrated by our lack of resources to move toward the bariatric surgery. He compared the attitudes toward the morbidly obese in today's society with the discrimination practiced against racial groups. He actually went on a little rant about it. Almost as an afterthought he said, "Why don't you go to the store, buy some Low-carb Slim-Fast, and have four of them a day, with a salad at night." I asked him about meat. He told me I could have 4-8 oz of lean meat a day, but to go light on the red meat, which is marbled with fat.When he left he said, "I'll write a cloumn about you." Dr. David has a weekly column in the statewide newspaper.
A couple of weeks later, his column came out. Linda copied it and handed copies out to dozens of people. We are compiling information about the lap-band surgery to send to the Insurance Committee and hope for them to broaden their coverage allowances. In the meantime, we have our new shoes, I am wearing compression hose on both legs and feeling better. One day we were in Little Rock for a meeting. Afterward we dropped by Dr. David's clinic and weighed ourselves. My number was 389!
That was the lowest in years. I actually remember thinking about going out to eat to celebrate--a habit I'm trying to break. We associate celebrations with food--usually high-calorie foods. Gotta quit doing that!
We took a trip to Boston in June to visit Laura, Kyle, and Abby. I kept to the food plan there. Laura was super about providing the LCSF to drink and the daily salads. One night we went out for my birthday and had seafood...and I stayed on target. Another day we ate at the Cheescake Factory (ymmm) and I had a great big salad with a chicken breast. I stll lost weight.
In addition, I learned that having a grandchild makes a difference in life viewpoint. I think I had been feeling that mostly my life was over...children raised and on their own, church career heading toward retirement, everything pointing downhill. Now I find I want to be around to see how Abby does, grows. I am getting back in touch with my life, sensing new possibilities. It is very odd. But I like it.
We went to Annual Conference for four days. One of the things we used to do at Conference was to eat huge meals three times a day as we went out to restaurants.
This was different. With a fridge and microwave in our suite, we kept SF cold and heated what we needed hot. We ate salads when we went out. Basically, followed the plan, with one exception of a chineese seafood meal. I've learned that you can go out to eat--and stay ont he plan.
It has now been almost a month since I weighed. I know I have gone from a comfortable size 66 waist to a comfortable size 62 pair of slacks. People are commenting on my weight loss--being complimentary and encouraging. (This makes me realize that there must have been other kinds of thoughts about my former size that they left unsaid, or at least did not tell me).Many church folks are being supportive. So far my vital signs have all been good--good blood pressure, cholosterol levels, liver functions, etc. I am almost ready to begin an exercise/walking discipline. Since the church has an indoor walking track, I really have no excuse!
Through all this Linda has been very supportive. She's a very good advocate to have on your side! While she didn't sign on to be married to a morbidly obese person, she has had the fortitude, courage, and love to stay with me for nearly 38 years. She has seen the real me, no matter what size I am. (Sometimes, when I counsel young people who are having problems making their marriage work I want to say, "What part of 'For better or for worse, in sickness and in health' did you not understand?"). Linda has been a lifesaver for me in more ways than I can share. While she has had her own sets of problems in life (we all do), our maturing relationship has become more honest and fulfilling.
Linda makes great salads! While I can cut the stuff up and put it in a bowl, she makes it attractive in its presentation and is quite creative in the kinds of salads she produces. This keeps me from being bored to death with the same old food and from spending time yearning for the "comfort food" of the past. As I move into more weight loss and a new perception of who I am becoming, I will continue to rely on her and others for the emotional support that undergirds successful life changes.
So, this has been a long blog, catching you up on the weight-loss part of my life. I have more to say about other things. You might want to check back later for those.
Over the past couple of months I have begun to come to terms with my weight. I reached my all-time high weight and began a program to loose the extra pounds. For me to blog about this is amazing to me. I usually keep all such thoughts to myself. But I found myself listening to what I preach, that it good to get all those hidden things out into the light. So here we go.
My all-time high was 420 pounds. I know. But that's what the digital scales said at Dr. David's clinic. During that same exam he told me I needed to have a form of bariatric surgery called "lap-band surgery" where the surgeon places an adjustable plastic band around the very upper part of the stomach to form a small pouch, and a small opening into the rest of the stomach. The procedure works because (1) you can't eat very much when your stomach is about the size of two chicken McNuggets; (2) the nerves that release the hormone that tells the brain that you are full are at the top of the stomach and are triggered by small amounts of food in the now very small stomach pouch. You don't want to eat more.
That sounded promising. Then we learned that the cost of such surgery is from $16,000 to $20,000 and that it is specifically excluded from our health insurance plan. We can't afford it, and can't qualify for a loan for it. All facts.
So we are currently applying to the Conference Insurance Committee to give us a waiver and cover the surgery. Statistics prove that it will save them money in the long term since weight loss helps other systems have less stress, fewer break-downs, etc. A rising tide lifts all boats. We'll see if they have the courage to extend the coverage. Ideally, they would provide coverage for all persons in our group who have a problem with morbid obesity.
During that same exam, the doctor looked at my legs which were swollen all the way through my feet. Little toes plumping out from swollen stobs. It was getting more and more difficult to walk. "Venus insufficiency" is what he called it. The gastric surgery would help relieve pressure on my veins so that fluid can return to the heart in good order instead of pooling up in my extremities.
The next week I went to a podiatrist with Linda to see about a rather ugly tonail of hers. While there I noticed the posters up in the exam room...you know, the slick, detailed cutaway drawings of parts of the body? There were even photos there--of legs and feet like mine. I had never thought of myself as a poster child for morbid obesity. So, when we were through, I made an appointment for myself with the good foot doctor. When I came back he examined me and said I needed to have bariatric surgery. (Hmmm...do I sense a concensus coming on?)
He also said he wanted to send me to the Wound Center at the local hospital complex to have my leg wrapped. So I went, and they did, and for a week I wore tight bandages on my right calf and foot. When they were removed, there was my foot...looking like a foot, with toes, ankle, everything! The measured, told me how much fluid had been removed, what size leg I should have, and told me I needed to wear compression stockings on both legs to preserve them. So I am. The podiatrist also prescribed diabetic shoes for both of us. They aren't cheap. But my custom-made shoes are the most comfortable shoes I have ever had. And with my feet now more normal in size, they are also more normal in function. I find it easier to walk, stand for longer periods of time.
All this weighed on my mind quite a bit. When people are overweight, and especially when we are morbidly obese, we tend to zone out much of the world around us. We are not only surrounded by our own pads of fat, we develop barriers to criticism, anything unpleasant. We learn to satiate any unhappiness with comfort foods. We develop habits of denial that will preserve our addiction. (Undoubtedly there is much to mine here for future sermons and self-awareness)!
I quit eating snacks. The next appointment, Dr. David's scale showed that I had lost 17 pounds! I was now 403, and I really hadn't tried very hard to lose those pounds. While the doctor was pleased with that, he was frustrated by our lack of resources to move toward the bariatric surgery. He compared the attitudes toward the morbidly obese in today's society with the discrimination practiced against racial groups. He actually went on a little rant about it. Almost as an afterthought he said, "Why don't you go to the store, buy some Low-carb Slim-Fast, and have four of them a day, with a salad at night." I asked him about meat. He told me I could have 4-8 oz of lean meat a day, but to go light on the red meat, which is marbled with fat.When he left he said, "I'll write a cloumn about you." Dr. David has a weekly column in the statewide newspaper.
A couple of weeks later, his column came out. Linda copied it and handed copies out to dozens of people. We are compiling information about the lap-band surgery to send to the Insurance Committee and hope for them to broaden their coverage allowances. In the meantime, we have our new shoes, I am wearing compression hose on both legs and feeling better. One day we were in Little Rock for a meeting. Afterward we dropped by Dr. David's clinic and weighed ourselves. My number was 389!
That was the lowest in years. I actually remember thinking about going out to eat to celebrate--a habit I'm trying to break. We associate celebrations with food--usually high-calorie foods. Gotta quit doing that!
We took a trip to Boston in June to visit Laura, Kyle, and Abby. I kept to the food plan there. Laura was super about providing the LCSF to drink and the daily salads. One night we went out for my birthday and had seafood...and I stayed on target. Another day we ate at the Cheescake Factory (ymmm) and I had a great big salad with a chicken breast. I stll lost weight.
In addition, I learned that having a grandchild makes a difference in life viewpoint. I think I had been feeling that mostly my life was over...children raised and on their own, church career heading toward retirement, everything pointing downhill. Now I find I want to be around to see how Abby does, grows. I am getting back in touch with my life, sensing new possibilities. It is very odd. But I like it.
We went to Annual Conference for four days. One of the things we used to do at Conference was to eat huge meals three times a day as we went out to restaurants.
This was different. With a fridge and microwave in our suite, we kept SF cold and heated what we needed hot. We ate salads when we went out. Basically, followed the plan, with one exception of a chineese seafood meal. I've learned that you can go out to eat--and stay ont he plan.
It has now been almost a month since I weighed. I know I have gone from a comfortable size 66 waist to a comfortable size 62 pair of slacks. People are commenting on my weight loss--being complimentary and encouraging. (This makes me realize that there must have been other kinds of thoughts about my former size that they left unsaid, or at least did not tell me).Many church folks are being supportive. So far my vital signs have all been good--good blood pressure, cholosterol levels, liver functions, etc. I am almost ready to begin an exercise/walking discipline. Since the church has an indoor walking track, I really have no excuse!
Through all this Linda has been very supportive. She's a very good advocate to have on your side! While she didn't sign on to be married to a morbidly obese person, she has had the fortitude, courage, and love to stay with me for nearly 38 years. She has seen the real me, no matter what size I am. (Sometimes, when I counsel young people who are having problems making their marriage work I want to say, "What part of 'For better or for worse, in sickness and in health' did you not understand?"). Linda has been a lifesaver for me in more ways than I can share. While she has had her own sets of problems in life (we all do), our maturing relationship has become more honest and fulfilling.
Linda makes great salads! While I can cut the stuff up and put it in a bowl, she makes it attractive in its presentation and is quite creative in the kinds of salads she produces. This keeps me from being bored to death with the same old food and from spending time yearning for the "comfort food" of the past. As I move into more weight loss and a new perception of who I am becoming, I will continue to rely on her and others for the emotional support that undergirds successful life changes.
So, this has been a long blog, catching you up on the weight-loss part of my life. I have more to say about other things. You might want to check back later for those.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
